I'm From Driftwood

by Ali Scott

Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I lived in Dallas, Texas my whole entire life, I’m the biggest nerd you will ever meet; I can talk about Star Trek, Doctor Who, slasher and zombie movies till I’m blue in the face. I’m Christian, though I don’t really go to church, I do believe in God and I gave my heart to Jesus when I was 15 years old. I like being a couple, I’m very picky with who I sleep with (only slept with one person my whole entire life and I’m 24 years old saying this!) I love the idea and safety that monogamy brings, others may not and that is alright, but for me monogamy truly is the best policy. Now that you know this about me, I may tell you something that may make you judge me and shake your head at me…I am a bisexual. Frightening I know, unthinkable or impossible to you, yes, but the fact still remains, I’m attracted sexually and emotionally to both men and women.

Now some of you out there are going to project yourselves on me and say, “Yeah I said that too and now I’m gay.” That’s awesome that you’re gay, I’m very proud of you for coming to terms with who you are. Now others of you will say, “It’s a phase, you’re just a college girl who wants attention, blah blah blah!” For some people this is also true, but for me, it isn’t. I remember being 8 years old making my Barbies kiss, then having them break up and start dating Ken, then Ken would do something stupid and they would go back to dating each other again. To me, dating both was just natural, I was probably the only 8-year-old who had a thing for both Hercules and Xena warrior princess.

When I was 12 I learned that liking both was wrong, you are either gay or straight. Then I even started to go to a church that said homosexuality or anything close to it was wrong and you were going straight to Hell if you were. I didn’t want to go to Hell or make Jesus upset so I suppressed it even further, causing me to have severe depression. I began to eat my feelings away, getting up to 390 pounds at 5’7 by my 20th birthday. Then I lost the weight slowly but surely getting down to 240. I had knocked down a wall and had to look at myself and who I was. When I left for college, I left my church and its ideas behind. I realized that being gay didn’t mean you were going to Hell, but I thought you were either gay or straight. To me they were dirty, slutty, couldn’t commit and make up their mind. Yes I had feelings for both men and women, but I couldn’t be bi, no way! I was a good Christian girl, I wasn’t slutty or attention seeking, I was nerdy. I told myself I was just curious, that all straight girls felt this way, and I couldn’t be gay because I seriously had attractions for men BIG TIME. Then I began to realize that other straight girls didn’t feel this way. So I did a little research, saw a documentary called “True Life: I’m a Bisexual” and realized that these people were normal, monogamous, Hell there was a girl who was just like me! Still not able to admit it, I researched it some more, then later that night, I said it out loud, “I’m bisexual.” First I laughed then I started to cry because I realized that it was true, that I was bisexual. I went to a counselor and came out and now I’m starting a LGBT group at my college. My family doesn’t know, probably won’t for a while mainly because I want to get more secure financially when I get out of college, but I know who I am and though I struggle, at least I’m not in the closet anymore.

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by April Christy

I was born a male but decidedly so, I was born a female mentally. It has been a terrible dichotomy for me to live. I am 6’8″ tall and weigh 300 pounds. It is a trial both mentally and physically to try to emulate a female in today’s society. I still live behind closed doors and love to indulge in my fantasies of living as a woman in pretty things that I adore, exorbitant dresses and pretty high heels. I can’t imagine being a 7-foot-tall woman in heels; that wouldn’t pass anywhere but a drag fest! As a male, I cause a ruckus in any room I enter, never mind as a woman.

A few years back I became very agitated about being so closeted and had a conversation with my ever-loving wife who had totally accepted me for nearly thirty years. I wanted to come out to my family, which at that point in life numbered just a small handful, no parents. I decided that life is too short to live that way and was going to tell them at the holidays. Perhaps it would cause even more of a schism in our lives, or perhaps not. I dressed for the event. It was the quickest way to get this “femaleness” out there and it also gave a “no road out” answer to me punking out during my self-exposure. I kept it simple. I have some natural boobs so no padding was needed, and I wore a lurex threaded holiday sweater and longer black skirt with tights, very light make up, and slippers. I enjoy the clothing much more than trying to make up this rather male face to look female.

They all entered and the general consensus was, why are you dressed like that, and I just told them straight up that this is how I like to dress and this is who I really am. No one there said they hated me for it or left or disowned me. I was happily shocked and smiled the rest of the long weekend as I gave them a fashion show with everything I owned that was clean and worthy of being “out,” however small the crowd was. I was critiqued with some clothing I showed off. “That’s too short,” my 20-year-old nephew stated as I was showing a bit too much underwear under a very short skirt. It always stuck with me that I became the “weird uncle,” and that they all were trying to help me pass! My sister works in the fashion industry and she shared stocking advice and a very beautiful nightgown that Christmas; it was finally like being her sister!

After it was over and my wife and I had time to reflect on the holiday, I was so happy that my trepidations were unfounded, and short of telling the rest of the real world about myself, I was accepted in some way and that left me with a very great feeling. Partly because I know what many others have had to deal with in their lives. So now years later it is no big deal with them, and I do not throw it up in their faces either, I just know in my mind that I can be myself with them and I can express how I truly feel. If I see a woman in a great skirt, I don’t just ogle her for being a hot chick but jealous of how she looks in that skirt. If I make that comment while with my brother he doesn’t give it a second thought, but also doesn’t share my feelings about the skirt, he may ogle her for her being a sex object like most men would.

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by Anthony Sfrisi

We met on a Monday night. The city had shut down due to the blizzard and we found ourselves at the same party. For me, this was an unexpected stop as I had been out at the bars for hours and only stopped in to say hi to a few friends. For him, this was his only destination since he followed the beach party theme and dressed accordingly. As soon as I walked in, I saw him in the middle of the room dancing like a fool in a speedo.

My friend gave me a huge hug and drunkenly whispered, “He’s bi and single. You should totally hit on him.” By now, my inhibitions were lowered and I found myself talking to him without the usual awkwardness that I had around cute boys. We hit it off instantly when we realized we had a lot of mutual interests and knew a spark was there with a kiss in the back hallway.

As we walked through the snow back to his house that night, we stopped numerous times to admire the cityscape of Pittsburgh covered in snow and kiss as the snow began to fall again. After the long trek to his house, he pulled me into his room and told me that he noticed me as soon as I walked through the door and was the type of guy that he normally goes for.

We laid in his bed the next morning for hours and talked about our lives. I opened up to him and told him things that it took me years to tell my closest friends and he told me some of his secrets. As we parted that afternoon, he kissed me goodbye and got my number. Not even ten minutes went by when my phone beeped and he texted me and told me he was sorry that we had to part so quickly and that we should get together soon.

The next few months went by in a blur with numerous ups and downs. Whenever I was with him I felt like we were only two people in the world and that nothing could tear us down. But our insecurities began to get the best of us. It finally reached its ending point when he told me that he really liked me and cared about me but he couldn’t be what he knew I wanted him to be. With that, we decided to be friends.

I guess I should have known how it would end when he told me in the beginning that he wasn’t looking for a boyfriend. But I thought that maybe I could change him and make him believe in relationships. I still think about him everyday and wondering if there will ever be a scenario that would put us in the same city, at the same time again when we’re both ready for something more. I know it sounds a little foolish but a boy can dream, can’t he?

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by Kevin Chen

The priest wrapped up his homily. “I would be remiss not to include a word to all the mothers on Mother’s Day. Say thanks to your mothers, and hope that they will continue to guide you in your lives, because they are most probably the only ones in your whole entire life that will love you unconditionally.” Unconditional Love. My heart sank a little.

—

During my life, one virtue I hold on to very strongly is honesty: honesty in living your life the way you want to, and honesty in disclosing your true thoughts and feelings. However, there is one situation in which I’ve concluded that honesty could do nothing but hurt. I know this because I have already tried once.

—

Around 30 years ago, my mother and her eight sisters, along with her parents and her grandmother, had been living as part of the lowest social class in Vietnam. In order to make a better life for themselves, they decided to come to America, and my mother was the sole pioneer. It was a lonely voyage. She crossed the ocean on some dingy boat, where the deceased were supposedly rolled off. She lived in a dog-eat-dog world, a world where only simple ideas existed. There was only school, cooking, and family. A complex idea like homosexuality was not even defined.

So it should not have been a surprise when I arrived home one day from high school in freshman year to find her sobbing on the floor in my room, holding up scrapped “love” notes to a high school obsession, crying about how I am “not her son.” I had come out a few days ago (on April Fool’s Day… I never ended up saying it was a joke), and she had decided to rummage through my stuff that day for any hint or clue as to how I had grown the way that I did. When she and I sat down to talk calmly, human to human, mother to son, she could not understand anything I was saying. I could not offer her any type of solace either; she thought the root of the problem had to be her parenting, and that only I could choose to “fix” what I had. She talked about disowning me, about my father’s heart giving himself trouble ever since I disclosed that part of me. My sister’s parental backing for college was threatened when she supported me. She could not understand the idea that my heart can only belong to another man.

It was one of those barriers I always feared hitting: the ultimate barrier between human hearts that prevent us from fully understanding each other, a barrier that may have its uses, but in this case threatened the fabric of my whole family. I realized just how helpless the situation was. It was impossible to change what other people thought, especially people that I love, but at the same time, it was impossible for me to change how I felt. It was the ultimate catch-22. And since I was the only one who noticed this and could comprehend it, I understood that I had to be the one that conceded.

So I erased it.

—

My great grandmother had been a great comfort to my mother when they had lived together in Vietnam. After school and working for the whole day, my great grandmother would prepare boiling water for my mother to bathe in. My mother proudly claimed that she was the grandchild my great grandmother spent the most time with. When my mother had decided to leave for America, my great grandmother asked her “…What will I do now that you are gone?”

She had passed away a day before my birthday. After my mother’s successful voyage, she eventually managed to arrive to America as well. She lived a total of ninety-seven years. My father said I did not have to attend the funeral, but I volunteered to anyways, taking a make up final two days early and heading on the earliest bus homeward.

I am usually not one to cry. I did not even cry during the whole coming out ordeal. The reason I probably did not cry is that I at least had some control of the situation and how it proceeded.

The morning of the funeral, we all went to the funeral home to see her body one last time. After a bit of cantonese praying, it was time to close the coffin. My aunts had all gone up to the front, and woefully cried aloud feelings and words in their home dialect that only select few in that room could understand. My mother nearly fell backwards as she exclaimed completely unintelligible words in their dialect. As the coffin came close to a close, everyone’s tone suddenly rose, and loud stomping reverberated throughout the room.

I closed my eyes. I imagined pain that I could not relieve my loved ones of. The coffin closed, and I started to cry aloud, a sound that was similar to my own laugh. I felt helplessness, just like seven years ago, but one I had no control over, one I could not alleviate. It was an idea I could not understand; I’ve only met my great grandmother a handful of times (and most of those times the language barrier prevented any form of communication besides her holding my hands in her soft palms), and I understood how important she was to other people. But that is just it: I only knew her in terms of how other people felt about her; I had no concrete opinion of her on my own. So because I could not relate, and could do nothing to help in the matter, I cried uncontrollably.

In my mind, all I could think was “How could I help?” How could I help my mom through this death, even though I cannot fully understand what my great grandmother has done for this family? How could I help my mom through life’s challenges? How could I help my mom understand who I was, but somehow preserve the love we have for each other? I was helpless.

Afterwards, at the funeral banquet, one of my many aunts asked me if I had a girlfriend. I awkwardly and bitterly answered “冇 (I do not have one).”

Two days later, we attended the regular Sunday mass back in our hometown on Mother’s day.

—

Maybe someday I can be fully honest to her. But for now, it will have to wait until I have gotten strong and independent enough. She may never even get to know. Sometimes I feel I am a coward, but life does not always work out perfectly for some people, and I accept that. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. When you know someone cannot comprehend an idea, and will only experience pain from any mention of it, what good is it to divulge? What use is it to explain? Every additional second I stay under her care is one she would not have given if she knew just one thing about me. All I hope to do in this lifetime is to repay her back for borrowed money and borrowed time.

I glanced at my mother’s eyes, her eyes which have forgotten all the pain from seven years ago. “What?” she asked. I said, “Nothing.”

I prayed.

“God, I know I don’t believe in you anymore, but if you exist, please… protect my loved ones who so dearly believe in you.”

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