I'm From Driftwood

by Rainbow Kansas

Bellaire is a township inside the city limits of Houston. It is white, middle class; approximately 25 miles from Montrose, the center of the Houston gay community. I know that my mother lived in Montrose when she first graduated college, before marrying my father and moving to Bellaire. In the late 1940’s Montrose was a working class neighborhood right next to wealthy River Oaks. My mother took me to St. Luke’s Methodist Church which she joined back then until she and my stepfather got married at Bellaire Methodist.

I’m pretty sure I fell in love with a girl the first time when I was 8 years old. I didn’t know it was same-sex attraction. I thought we were just friends. She was 13, an older girl in a different cabin. The other 13-year-olds called me “queer” but I didn’t know what that meant. The summer I was thirteen, everyone called me “Baby Butch” all summer. I didn’t know what that meant either; I did know that I got a lot of attention! It was funny, friendly attention and very different from the kind of attention at home. That summer I knew for sure I had a crush on a counselor, another older girl. She didn’t have a clue, but we wrote all during the school year. Long letters filled with nothing important. It was the contact, not the content, that mattered.

I met the older girl counselor many years later. She didn’t remember a thing. And she was still in the closet after all those years.

It becomes a habit, being in the closet. I learned to lie about everything; but most importantly I lied about the most intimate parts of myself, the deepest part of myself was hidden from view. Alcohol helped some; but not enough.

When I got sober in Austin, Texas, in 1985, I did so within a circle of al-anons, codependents, sexual abuse survivors, addicts, alcoholics and “children of” all of the above. Two meetings on Sunday, one on Saturday, and a scattering of straight meetings during the week were my sobriety for four years. In those days there were 250 meetings a week in Austin. It was a pretty amazing time for me and a lot of women finding ways to deal with their families of origin and their own addictions.

I met a lot more women like me in Austin and San Antonio than I’ve ever met since: dual addicted to alcohol & drama and serial monogamy. My best friend at the time called it cereal monogamy; the Kellogg’s sex-pack. She was very funny! It wasn’t funny, however, when ten years later she had a triple bypass. It also wasn’t funny when five years later she had started drinking and smoking again and passed away. I miss her every day.

After many years of celibacy I gave up. And just like “they” tell you, someone came along. However, she was a nightmare. Sorry. She lasted about six months and was gone. However, bless her heart, she came into my life so that I could have cataract surgery in both eyes. Now I have 20/20 far vision, and I can see at night again.

Now you’re starting to worry about me. Don’t. The next thing that happened is that I met my current partner. She was married of course. I didn’t know we would fall in love or that she would divorce her husband. I was in a pickle all right. Eventually it all worked itself out, and she moved in with me. We’ve been together 9 years.

Our Holy Union in 2003 was a spectacle. We choreographed a wedding procession that no one present that day will soon forget. Our pastor offered Holy Communion to all present. There was a healing blessing where everyone in the church stood and laid hands on us in a trail of people down the middle aisle. We sang “Amazing Grace” for our witnesses. My partner’s daughter and friends organized the reception. I had a favorite cousin and a lifelong friend stand up for me, although my mother declined to attend. It took about a year until my partner’s mother accepted our union. Now she is a wonderful ally for our sacred marriage.

We travel and walk our dogs, swim and read, dream and envision a life for many years together. We like our life.

-(Share your story with us!)

by Francis Scott

I grew up in a very strict, religious and physically abusive home environment where mistakes were severely punished and there was no room for self expression. Most of my life up until my teen years I lived in fear and in instability. I learned quickly that being invisible and trying to be as perfect as possible was my only way to survive in my home life and I carried that to the world in my adult life. I never had the chance to develop my own personality, my own personal style or even just simple personal boundaries growing up, so when I finally moved out of my parents house at the age of 20, and started college, I had no idea how to navigate in the real world.

I guess I’d been programed to just fit in and try not to be seen. I was scared of drawing attention to myself or making too many waves. I always based my decisions on how others would react to me or based on what others wanted. I always had feelings for women, but I suppressed them and told myself that couldn’t be me. That what I felt wasn’t right. I was never physically attracted to men but I started dating them because they liked me and I thought that was what I was supposed to do. They treated me well so I didn’t think what I felt mattered. At one point I was in a relationship with a guy I didn’t love and I always felt weird with him but since I’d never learned to listen to my own intuition and let that guide me, I stayed. My only saving grace was school. When I studied and learned I felt in control and I felt more in charge of my future. I excelled in that arena. One day, I found out I was pregnant by this guy with whom I was in a relationship.

I didn’t love him and I couldn’t fathom a future with him. That day I did a lot of soul searching and I decided I would get an abortion. We both agreed and I got one. That was the first decision I’d ever made strictly based on my needs and wants. It was the first time in my life where I’d asked myself what was right for me and focused on my feelings. Honestly I felt so good and free. I had never felt so grounded in my life. After that abortion, I started doing more soul searching and asked myself what I would do if I didnt care what anyone else thought. The first thing that popped into my head was to stop dating men. I realized that I never was atrracted to them and I’d only been dating men to please my parents. I was single for about a year and then one day I bumped into my first love, and she was a girl. I’d dated several people but I’d never felt attraction, lust and butterflies for someone before meeting her. I finally understood what all the hype was about and at that point I knew I was a lesbian.

I came out to people one at a time and I didn’t care what they thought because I was so happy. My parents and so many people I knew told me it was a phase and that it wasn’t me, because they were used to me fitting in to their definitions of who I was, but I felt so alive that there was no turning back. It was a second birth for me and since then I’ve been on a journey of self discovery and self love. I realize now that I have a right to exist and that I matter and what I feel is important. It sounds so simple, but I had never lived like that before. I never want to go back to being invisible and being afraid of who I am. My past has informed my present and will continue to inform my future. I’m out, i’m proud, I exist and I matter.

-(Share your story with us!)

by Ali Scott

Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I lived in Dallas, Texas my whole entire life, I’m the biggest nerd you will ever meet; I can talk about Star Trek, Doctor Who, slasher and zombie movies till I’m blue in the face. I’m Christian, though I don’t really go to church, I do believe in God and I gave my heart to Jesus when I was 15 years old. I like being a couple, I’m very picky with who I sleep with (only slept with one person my whole entire life and I’m 24 years old saying this!) I love the idea and safety that monogamy brings, others may not and that is alright, but for me monogamy truly is the best policy. Now that you know this about me, I may tell you something that may make you judge me and shake your head at me…I am a bisexual. Frightening I know, unthinkable or impossible to you, yes, but the fact still remains, I’m attracted sexually and emotionally to both men and women.

Now some of you out there are going to project yourselves on me and say, “Yeah I said that too and now I’m gay.” That’s awesome that you’re gay, I’m very proud of you for coming to terms with who you are. Now others of you will say, “It’s a phase, you’re just a college girl who wants attention, blah blah blah!” For some people this is also true, but for me, it isn’t. I remember being 8 years old making my Barbies kiss, then having them break up and start dating Ken, then Ken would do something stupid and they would go back to dating each other again. To me, dating both was just natural, I was probably the only 8-year-old who had a thing for both Hercules and Xena warrior princess.

When I was 12 I learned that liking both was wrong, you are either gay or straight. Then I even started to go to a church that said homosexuality or anything close to it was wrong and you were going straight to Hell if you were. I didn’t want to go to Hell or make Jesus upset so I suppressed it even further, causing me to have severe depression. I began to eat my feelings away, getting up to 390 pounds at 5’7 by my 20th birthday. Then I lost the weight slowly but surely getting down to 240. I had knocked down a wall and had to look at myself and who I was. When I left for college, I left my church and its ideas behind. I realized that being gay didn’t mean you were going to Hell, but I thought you were either gay or straight. To me they were dirty, slutty, couldn’t commit and make up their mind. Yes I had feelings for both men and women, but I couldn’t be bi, no way! I was a good Christian girl, I wasn’t slutty or attention seeking, I was nerdy. I told myself I was just curious, that all straight girls felt this way, and I couldn’t be gay because I seriously had attractions for men BIG TIME. Then I began to realize that other straight girls didn’t feel this way. So I did a little research, saw a documentary called “True Life: I’m a Bisexual” and realized that these people were normal, monogamous, Hell there was a girl who was just like me! Still not able to admit it, I researched it some more, then later that night, I said it out loud, “I’m bisexual.” First I laughed then I started to cry because I realized that it was true, that I was bisexual. I went to a counselor and came out and now I’m starting a LGBT group at my college. My family doesn’t know, probably won’t for a while mainly because I want to get more secure financially when I get out of college, but I know who I am and though I struggle, at least I’m not in the closet anymore.

-(Share your story with us!)

by Rebecca Allen

I was raised Southern Baptist, like so many other Southerners. One thing was made very clear in my religious education: homosexuality was a one-way ticket to Hell. So you can imagine the horror I felt when I realized in 3rd grade that I liked my best girl friend the way the other girls liked boys. I stuffed it down, and as I grew into middle/high school I became very promiscuous – with guys. I did everything I could to prove to myself it wasn’t true, and I prayed every night for hours for God to take it from me, because I was so scared I would go to Hell, but I couldn’t seem to shake the feelings I was having about other girls.

Then I met Brianna at the age of 16, and the first time I kissed her the whole world shattered. I could no longer deny what I knew about myself…I was a lesbian. Brianna and I were together for about a year before our parents caught on. That was an unfortunate incident in itself. Bri’s mother came home early from work and found us sleeping in her bed together. On top of the covers. Naked. Needless to say there was a lot of screaming, and she called my parents to tell them what happened. So I didn’t really have to “come out” for myself. I was threatened with a “Pray the Gay Away” camp, so I threw myself back into the hetero scene, marrying my best guy friend at the age of 21. He knew I was gay, but we really cared about each other, so we thought we could make it work. You can guess how that ended, but I did get two beautiful children out of the deal. By the time we got divorced, he had turned into a raging alcoholic and I had fallen in love with his best friend’s wife (a love that was returned, for a while), so it was just a big mess. That fell apart (how could it not?) and I moved states to return to my hometown.

Obviously, I had to come out again to my folks as an independent adult, and found that it really wasn’t any easier. They have struggled with it because of their religious beliefs, but I truly think they have made some major headway in accepting who I am and seeing it’s so not a choice. At least we’re moving in the right direction, and I am so very thankful for that.

After a few failed attempts at relationships, I met my partner, online of all places. I could not find a more devoted, sweet-souled person. We have been together ever since, raising the kids as our own, and I am finally in a place where I can be honest with myself and others around me about who I am. Now I’m working on my degree and my writing career, as well as being an LGBT activist. My life is so full and so wonderful…I would not change a thing.

You can be gay AND happy. AND successful. AND fulfilled. For everyone out there still struggling, hang in there, baby. We’re all behind you.