I'm From Driftwood

by Gustavo

19 years old, and the perfect son but there’s just one little detail: I’m bi.

When I was 14 I realized that but didn’t care too much about it. The time passed and I began to see boys just as another way to have fun and “satisfy” my needs, there was still no problem about that.

Recently I met a really nice guy, we hanged out lots of times, he liked me a lot, but I was afraid of getting involved in something serious, and also there wasn’t too much chemistry in the physical side, so I moved on and I left that guy without saying anything, just using my final exams as an excuse. I felt terrible, I think he thinks that I used him and played with him, but that isn’t true.

During that time I went through a very hard crisis, I didn’t eat too much, I was really weak, and I had final exams, so it was a terrible combination. That crisis was because I was finally accepting who I am, and realizing what I really want in my life.

Perfection is a word that describes me very well. For my parents I’m the perfect son, the one with the high grades, the one studying a really good career, the handsome one, what else could they ask for. I looked for that perfection in my life, being perfect in every sense has been like a goal for me, and being bi just made the road to perfection a difficult and impossible one. So accepting my sexuality was really tough for me.

All my life I pictured myself marrying a nice woman, having four children, having a perfect family, and since I met that guy, that image blurred, I began to accept, that I could be happy marrying a man, probably adopting some kids (obviously out of this country) and being a happy family. The image I had all my life was corrupted and I had to accept a new one, that was another difficult challenge.

All those days were horrible; I cried day by day just asking God and the universe why does it have to be me? I still can’t get the answer but I know it’s not really necessary to know it, and that one day it will just arrive to me.

Another obstacle in my life has been my family. It’s viewed as a perfect one, all the sons are handsome and intelligent, the parents are a happy couple, everything is nice. But there are no perfect families in this world. The sons: one bi, and I’m pretty sure the young one is also; the daughter: full of stereotypes about herself, and that’s dangerous because it can create serious psychological problems in the future; the parents: they fight very often for really stupid things, the son doesn’t want to tell them that he is bi so he doesn’t create more problems; the dad: cheats on the mom, I know and my sister also; the mom: a workaholic with not so much time for her family.

My friends, always making homophobic comments, I always have to listen to that, and try to create a nice image of gay people to them, but it seems impossible, although they all say that if they had a gay friend, there would be no problem, so that sometimes encourages me to come out to them, but that won’t happen for a very long time.

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