by Ali Scott
Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I lived in Dallas, Texas my whole entire life, I’m the biggest nerd you will ever meet; I can talk about Star Trek, Doctor Who, slasher and zombie movies till I’m blue in the face. I’m Christian, though I don’t really go to church, I do believe in God and I gave my heart to Jesus when I was 15 years old. I like being a couple, I’m very picky with who I sleep with (only slept with one person my whole entire life and I’m 24 years old saying this!) I love the idea and safety that monogamy brings, others may not and that is alright, but for me monogamy truly is the best policy. Now that you know this about me, I may tell you something that may make you judge me and shake your head at me…I am a bisexual. Frightening I know, unthinkable or impossible to you, yes, but the fact still remains, I’m attracted sexually and emotionally to both men and women.
Now some of you out there are going to project yourselves on me and say, “Yeah I said that too and now I’m gay.” That’s awesome that you’re gay, I’m very proud of you for coming to terms with who you are. Now others of you will say, “It’s a phase, you’re just a college girl who wants attention, blah blah blah!” For some people this is also true, but for me, it isn’t. I remember being 8 years old making my Barbies kiss, then having them break up and start dating Ken, then Ken would do something stupid and they would go back to dating each other again. To me, dating both was just natural, I was probably the only 8-year-old who had a thing for both Hercules and Xena warrior princess.
When I was 12 I learned that liking both was wrong, you are either gay or straight. Then I even started to go to a church that said homosexuality or anything close to it was wrong and you were going straight to Hell if you were. I didn’t want to go to Hell or make Jesus upset so I suppressed it even further, causing me to have severe depression. I began to eat my feelings away, getting up to 390 pounds at 5’7 by my 20th birthday. Then I lost the weight slowly but surely getting down to 240. I had knocked down a wall and had to look at myself and who I was. When I left for college, I left my church and its ideas behind. I realized that being gay didn’t mean you were going to Hell, but I thought you were either gay or straight. To me they were dirty, slutty, couldn’t commit and make up their mind. Yes I had feelings for both men and women, but I couldn’t be bi, no way! I was a good Christian girl, I wasn’t slutty or attention seeking, I was nerdy. I told myself I was just curious, that all straight girls felt this way, and I couldn’t be gay because I seriously had attractions for men BIG TIME. Then I began to realize that other straight girls didn’t feel this way. So I did a little research, saw a documentary called “True Life: I’m a Bisexual” and realized that these people were normal, monogamous, Hell there was a girl who was just like me! Still not able to admit it, I researched it some more, then later that night, I said it out loud, “I’m bisexual.” First I laughed then I started to cry because I realized that it was true, that I was bisexual. I went to a counselor and came out and now I’m starting a LGBT group at my college. My family doesn’t know, probably won’t for a while mainly because I want to get more secure financially when I get out of college, but I know who I am and though I struggle, at least I’m not in the closet anymore.
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